you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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