I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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