You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize