He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
