You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
