halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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