A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
