He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
