dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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