We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
