So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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