You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
