here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
