You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it hurts more in the daytime
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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