R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Randomize
