Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
