I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
