I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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