I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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