"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize