you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize