I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
