i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
