T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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