I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
