I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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