Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
