so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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