Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
