sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
