Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
