Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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