Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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