I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize