I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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