I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
