were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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