I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
