Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
