Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
