i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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