On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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