I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
