The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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