I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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