Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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