my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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