I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
