You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
