After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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