i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
