Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Pants are for mortals
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
