I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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