He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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