careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
