yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
