i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
